Kill Bill Nintendo Remix
by Anthony Mora
Summary: Similar to the Kill Bill films only with Nintendo characters
1. Chapter 1

Mario lays on the ground, bloodied and brutally beaten. Dead bodies lay on the ground around him. His left eye swollen shut, most of his teeth missing, his mustache drenched in blood.

"Do you remember when we had a moment of peace? We all called each other brothers. Of course we fought each other for entertainment, but that is all it was. Entertainment." Says Mario's attacker in a thick accent.

Mario looks up at his attacker, blood clogging his mouth.

"However, evene you must have thought thate by just leaving, it would effect us all. You selfisha peace of sheet. However, we are strong and have fans of our owna and I know the world can move on without everybody's favorite Italian plumber."

"Brother….Suck my balls!" BANG! A bullet enters Mario's head. Everything then fades to black,

**Four and a Half Years later…**

"A beautiful Wednesday afternoon in the city of Dreamland, on the planet Pop Star. This is the home town of Balloon Bomber." Explains Mario.

He speaks in his stereotypical Italian accent but now has a wide range of vocabulary instead of only saying "Here We GO!" or "Itsa Me! Mario."

"There are the little ones coming home with their parents, maybe cominga home frome school. God they are all fat basterds."

Mario is sporting his trademark red hat with the M. He's riding the Blue Falcon, a flying vehicle that was once used for battle races through space. Mario stops in front of a cloud made house, a bit larger than most the other houses around the neighborhood.

"Here we are." He says to himself.

He takes out a piece of paper from his overall pocket, a list of 5 names with the top name crossed off with marker. The paper is blood stained. Mario glares at the second name on the list, Balloon Bomber, then puts his sights on the Cloud House.

Mario exit's the Blue Falcon, it's doors swinging upward. He walks slowly up the walkway of the Cloud House. Mario notices a window with it's curtains open, he goes to it and peers in looking for anyone inside.

The inside of the house looked more like the interior of a typical upper-middle class house that you would see on Earth with real furniture and walls instead of everything made of clouds . He sees movement from inside and goes to the door. Mario rings the doorbell once and waits for it to open.

A few seconds pass and the door opens. "Kirby Jr. what are you doing home so early?" A plump, pink orb opens the door and immediately has the look of fear in his face. Mario with a dangerous smile on his face delivers a swift, hard kick to Kirby's face.

Kirby flies into the house, like a soccer ball, smashing into the wall behind him. Mario enters and slams the door behind him and immediately gets a phone book thrown to his face.

Kirby tackles a dazed Mario to the ground and begins punching Mario's nose repeatedly, nearly breaking it before Mario punches Kirby hard enough to get Kirby off him. Mario stands, grabs Kirby from behind and throws him with full force over a couch and onto a glass table in Kirby's living room.

Kirby has broken glass on his head/side/body and tries to get up. Mario slowly walks around the couch and gets ready to punch Kirby in the back of his head when Kirby quickly reaches for a long piece of broken glass and slices at Mario's.

"AHH! You fat fucking bitch!" Mario cries, falling to one knee while gripping his injured knee.

Kirby than stands and opens his mouth wide. He starts inhaling hard, sucking Mario into his vacuum like mouth and spitting him hard through the wall across the room. Mario slams into the kitchen grabbing his head in pain.

Kirby, breathing hard and bleeding from the mouth for also inhaling broken pieces of glass, waddles to the doorway connecting the kitchen and the living room.

"Where are you bitch? Where are-" A flash of steel swipes in front of Kirby's face nearly missing him. Mario had grabbed a knife and from the look of his stance and grip he knew how to use a knife. The two stared down each other from a distance.

"You wanna play knife fight eh? OK bitch." Kirby goes to a cupboard and gets a green elfish hat and swallows it. It was a power up he kept hidden The power up gave Kirby a sword and the green hat appeared on his head. Mario realized that Kirby now had the bigger blade.

"Holy shit!" Mario shouts.

Kirby charges at Mario swinging the sword swiftly. Mario dodges every slash narrowly and runs back into the living room.

"You fuckin pussy! Stop running!" Kirby screams running after him. He swings for Mario's legs, but Mario double jumps and grabs onto a crystal chandelier on the ceiling. He swings around countering Kirby's blade by shooting fire balls from his hands. Kirby just swallows them, burping after.

Kirby flings a boomerang at the chandelier cutting the line cutting the chandelier on the roof. However, Mario's swinging caused the direction of the Chandelier to fly toward Kirby.

"Fuck!" Kirby shouts. He tried to fly away but the chandelier and Mario crashed into him. After dust clears, Mario and Kirby raise from the rubble, exhausted and bloodied. The front door begins to unlock and open. Mario and Kirby quickly collect themselves and look casual.

A little Kirby enters the house holding his lunch box and backpack. Unlike his father, the little one is blue/ The look on his face is filled with confusion looking at his father and the stranger in the blue overalls. Kirby wipes the blood from his mouth and discards the hat and sword then goes to the child.

"Hey buddy. How was school?" Kirby smiles warmly trying to keep Kirby Jr.'s attention on him instead of the destruction around the living room.

"Daddy, what happened?" Kirby Jr. asks with innocence looking at his father with huge, bulging eyes. Kirby stutters to come up with a story. Mario continues to stand back casually.

"Uhh, son this is Daddy's friend. We haven't seen each other in a long time and your damn star dog came in here and trashed the place. My friend Mr. Mario was trying to help me catch him. Isn't that right?" Kirby looks back at Mario with a smile.

Mario takes a second, "Yeah. Hello Kirby Jr. It's great to meeta you."

"Kirby Jr. why don't you go up to your room and get ready for dinner. Wash up." Kirby says looking back at his son. Kirby Jr. takes one last look at Mario and the destroyed living room and flies up to the second floor. After Kirby Jr. leaves the room Kirby and Mario look at each other for a long couple of seconds and then Kirby breaks the silence. "You want to blaze?"

"Sure." Mario answers. They both slowly limp to the kitchen.

Kirby walks around the kitchen while Mario leans on a counter. Mario begins to speak in his head as Kirby gets a sandwich bag filled with marijuana hidden on top op the fridge. "This fat peace of pink sheet is Kirby, Hero ofa Dreamland. But back when we were acquainted 4 years ago, he was known as Balloon Bomber. I was Fire Red."

"You need a towel?" Kirby asked. Mario nodded yes. Kirby passed him a rag from the sink and then continued rolling up two blunts. Mario wiped blood and sweat from his face. "So I guess saying 'I'm sorry' won't mean shit now huh?"

"You guess right." Said Mario pressing the rag to a cut in his arm.

"Look asshole, you don't just come into my house and start this shit around my child." Kirby said from across the kitchen counter.

"Don'taa worry. I am notaa going to keel you front of your leetle boy." Mario said. Kirby glares at him then goes back to the weed.

"Look man, I know I fucked you over. I fucked you over bad and shit knows I wish I didn't but I did. You have every right to want to get even-"

"Even?" Mario interrupts Kirby. "Even Steven? Oh no no no, even woulda be me keelling you, going upstairs to Kirby Jr. killing him, than waiting for the Mrs. to come home and kill her. That would be even. Ha! That would be a even square."

Kirby walks back to Mario "Look Mustache, if I could go back in a fucking machine I would but I can't. All I could tell you is that I'm a different person. A changed man."

"Does it look like I give a Koopas ass?" Mario said.

"Look, I know I don't deserve your mercy but I got a fucking family now." Kirby said pointing to a picture of his family on the fridge.

"Haha oh, you dick. Don't think that because I won't kill you in front of the little bastard doesn't mean that boasting about her won't make me feel any different than I do now." Mario says with a slanted smile, wearing his hat low. "Me and you have shit, which means I don't give a fuck what sympathetic shit you've done the last four years. It isn't going to stop me."

Kirby and Mario glare at each other eye to eye. "So when do this shit than?" Kirby says.

"When do you want to die cock fag?" Mario says back.

"How about tonight fucker?" Mario looks pleased with that answer. "There's a rainbow field 3 blocks from here where the children play brawl. We can show up at 2:30 in the morning, dressed in…what we have now I guess. We can have ourselves a night fight." Kirby whispers in contained excitement.

"I'm getting horny just hearing it." Mario says slyly.

"Now if you'll excuse me, I have to fix Kirby Jr's food." Kirby says walking to the fridge.

"You know, you never were the best fighter. Maybe, that's why so many players saw you as useless." Mario said.

"Haha, very funny asshole." Kirby said sarcastically facing the fridge. "Very funny!" Kirby turned and suddenly inhaled with all his might.

Mario was caught off guard and held on to the counter for dear life. He saw the sword Kirby used in battle on the floor, the counter wall blocking the sword from being sucked into Kirby's mouth. Mario reached for it, grabbing it with his finger tips.

Mario finally got a grip of the sword and flung it at Kirby. The force driven behind Mario's throw and the suction power from Kirby sent the sword straight to the back of Kirby's throat pinning him to the fridge behind him, his feet hanging. Kirby's eyes slowly rolled back as blood dripped from his mouth to the floor.

After being held in the air from the suction Mario dropped to the kitchen floor. He quickly got up and gathered himself, fixing his hat. He walked to the body of Kirby and reached into his mouth pulling out the sword, Kirby's body dropping to the ground with a hard thud. Mario cleaned the blood off the blade and turned to realize Kirby Jr. had witnessed the killing of his father.

Mario struggles to find words. "Aww shit. Umm look kid, I didn't want to do this with you around. You weren't supposed to see this." He continues to clean the sword. Kirby Jr. standing in the kitchen doorway just blankly staring at his father's corpse. "I'm sorry you have to see this. But kid, you have to know, your asshole dad had it coming." Mario cleaned the sword and walked to Kirby Jr. He leaned down to be eye to eye. "If when you get older and you're still pissed off about this…I'll be waiting." Mario said staring into the child's eyes.

Mario placed the sword at Kirby Jr's feet and walked out of the house.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

4 and a Half years earlier…

Cop cars are parked outside of a small church in the middle of Thwomp Desert. Police tape covers the area while spectators try to get a glimpse of what had happened in their quiet kingdom. On the steps of the church is a blue hedgehog with a detective's fedora on.

"Detective, we need you inside what are you doing out here?" An officer says.

"Foot prints son. The size of a criminals foot is something huge in finding out who would massacre an entire wedding rehearsal." Detective Sonic said. The desert heat was scorching as Sonic wiped the sweat from his fur.

A young, yellow fox stepped from inside the chapel. "Sonic, you ain't gonna believe what I found out!" Tails said.

"You found out that masturbating to that shirtless boy from Twilight is what you were meant to do?" Sonic said.

"No sir, it's about Victim A." Tails said. Sonic walked into the chapel, Tails following. Investigators filled the small chapel, which was covered with blood and bullet shell casings. Dead bodies lied everywhere. Sonic and Tails walked over to the motionless body of Mario. Face mutilated and a gun shot through the eyes.

"HA! And the critics said ol' Sonic would end up the first to die. Eat THAT Xplay!" Sonic said smiling feeling proud.

"But sir. Mario isn't dead, he has a pulse." Tails said with his hand on Mario's wrist.

"Huh? Impossible! He has a hole in his head bigger than the one between my mother-in-law's legs." Sonic said. "Agh, this bastard will never die will he? Alright then, hey docs!" Two paramedics rush inside. "We got a Terri Schiavo here. Get this vegetable to the hospital." Sonic said. The paramedics carefully put Mario's near lifeless body on a stretcher and carried him to a ambulance outside. Sonic watched as the ambulance pulled away down the desert highway. Tails walked up behind him.

"Sir I think I've proven my improvement on investigation and stuff. Do I get rewarded?" Tails asked shyly.

"Hmm.." Sonic scratched his chin. "Sure, I guess so. Come, you can video tape my necrophilia acts on the bride." Sonic said walking back into the chapel.

Tail's had a disturbed look on his face. "Come on man, we're in a church."

Later at Mushroom Kingdom Hospital…

The doctors file Mario as being in a coma. His body in a patients room all by himself. The blood is cleaned from his face, which is still very swollen. His cuts and bullet wounds crusted into scabs and his head wrapped in a lot of bandage.

It's late around 1:30 a.m. The hospital is quiet, nearly empty except for the night shift nurses. Boots are heard stomping down the hall from Mario's room. Along with stomps a tune is being whistled by someone. A young man with a green hat, green shirt and has blonde hair. It is Link a young, elfish boy from the land of Hyrule.

He whistles the tune of Zelda as he limps down the hall. He has with him a carry on case. As soon as he's about to pass the nurse's station near Mario's room, he steps into the men's bathroom near it. While still whistling he steps into one of the stalls and begins to undress. Opening the bag, he pulls out a nurse's outfit and begins to put on the attire. He pulls out a syringe as well and a bottle with a purple liquid. He sticks the needle in and fills the syringe with the liquid.

Link stops whistling and steps out of the bathroom revealing himself with the female nurse outfit on. The nurse behind the nurse's desk had an awkward expression on her face looking at the strange nurse. Link looks onward, and turns into Mario's room holding the syringe close.

Mario laid in his hospital bed peacefully. Link stands over his bed quietly and slowly places his index finger to Mario's nostrils checking for signs of breathing. Mario's heart beats weakly, but surely.

"I may have never like you." Link said to the lifeless Mario. "In fact, I hated you, but that doesn't mean I don't respect you." Link raises the Syringe and removes the cap from the needle. "A death in our sleep is something not too many people get the pleasure of having. So like that quicky I gave you on your birthday consider this my gift to you."

Link points the needle at Mario's arm and gets ready to inject him with the poison in the needle when his little yellow fairy starting. He grabbed it from his pocket and put it to his ear like a phone.

"Hey GL." Link said. A voice from the other line is masked by a voice modifier.

"How is she? Where is she?" Said GL.

"Comatose, I'm looking at him as we speak." Link said.

"That's my girl." That made Link do a little giggle. "I want you to abort the mission, we owe her something."

"WHAT?" Link shouted. "We don't him shit!"

"Hey, hey keep it down will."

"….you don't her shit." Link whispered.

"Let me put it this way," Link listens in in rage. "You and the others beat the living crap out of the guy and he still lived. I put a bullet in her head, but the son of a bitch wouldn't die. You saw that with your own beautiful blue eyes. If he ever wakes up from this, we'll do a hell of a lot more. Now one thing we don't do is sneak into his room in the middle of the night and kill him in his sleep. Now that, would make us look like a bunch of pussies now wouldn't that?"

"Yeah, I guess." Link limps to the window. Thunder can be heard from outside as rain hit's the window.

"Good, now come home to me. I love you very much."

"I love you too." Link said. He put his fairy phone back into his pocket with attitude. He limps back to Mario's bed, arms crossed. "I bet you thought that was fucking funny huh?" He says to Mario. "Well I got some advice for you pube licker, never wake up."

4 Years Later…

A mosquito flies around the room. Mario is now joined with 2 other comatose victims. The pest decides to land on the largest peace of flesh in the room, Mario's nose. The bug sticks it's needle like nose into Mario's nose and begins to suck blood.

Suddenly, Mario viciously sits up screaming. He has no idea what has happened or where he is or how long he's been asleep. Then, a flash back plays through his mind. He remembers the voice of the person who put a bullet in his brain, then the feeling of the hot, lead ripping through his brain tissue. His heart meter, beats quickly then begins to slow to normal heart pumping speed. Mario, takes his head and feels around the side of his head and feels something unusual. He taps it with his gloved finger and realizes he has a metal plate in his head over the area the bullet exited.

Only now does Mario realize what he's been through and breaks out in a cry. Leaving many of his loved ones to think he is gone, he could only imagine how the gaming world must be without him. A calendar that hangs near his bed shows it's been four years since he was last conscious.

Mario hears somebody coming from outside the room. He looks at the room door then quickly lays back in bed as if still in a coma. The door opens and two men enter the room. Wario and Captain Falcon. Captain Falcon has become a doctor in Mushroom Kingdom. The two stand at the base of the bed looking over Mario.

"The price is 75 gold coins a fuck my friend." Falcon says. "You gettin all vertical down there?"

"Oh yeah." Wario says licking his lips. He pulls out a bag of gold from…nowhere and hands it to Captain Falcon. Mario, appearing to be asleep is listening in on the entire, sick conversation.

"Okay buddy, rules," Falcon said clearing his throat. "Rule number one; no punching. Now don't get me wrong looking at that stupid face of his makes me want to give a Falcon Punch myself, but the nurse comes in tomorrow. So any missing teeth or bruises will raise questions. The second and final rule; no hickeys or bite marks. Other than that my friend you're groovy. You can cum inside him all you want, it'll all be pumped out after. You have fun, I'll be back in 20." Falcon said, giving Wario a buddy pat on the back then walking out of the room.

Wario walks to the side of the bed when Falcon comes back in. "Oh and two more things, this guys mouth and anus get dried up sometimes, so to make your stay here more pleasurable use this lube and lube him up good." Falcon says passing Wario a tub of Vaseline. Wario catches it and giggles sadistically. "And another thing, I had no idea you're a homo dude." Falcon said leaving the room.

Wario took off his yellow hat and took off his purple overalls, before mounting Mario like a horse. "Ahh, after losing to you for so long I'm going to enjoy turning your asshole into a blow hole." Wario says. He goes in to kiss Wario on the lips. "WAAH! WAAAAAH!" Wario screams in pain as Mario bites down on Wario's lip and pulling it and ripping it off.

A few minutes later Wario has passed out. Mario has blood covering his mouth and hospital gown. He looks like a vampire. He shoves Wario's fat body off him and gets up. But, to Mario's surprise he falls face first to the ground. His legs haven't been used in four years and are completely numb.

Outside, in the hall, Captain Falcon is making his way back to the room. Mario takes a pocket knife strapped to Wario's belt and crawls to the side of the door. Falcon reaches the door. "Hey big guy times up. I'm coming in ready or not you sick bastard." Falcon enters the room. "You have a good-" Falcon sees Wario bloodied on the ground and that Mario is missing. "What the fu- AHH!" Falcon screams and falls to the ground. Mario, took the pocket knife and sliced at the back of Falcon's heel.

Mario pulled a dazed Falcon to the door and puts Falcon's head on the floor of the doorway. "Where's LG!" Mario shouts. After no answer Mario takes the door and slams into Falcon's head. "Where's GP!" He shouts again and slamming the door again.

"Please man, stop hitting me." Falcon stutters out only to receive another head crushing door hit. "I don't know who LG is!"

"Bull shit!" Mario screams slamming the door again. "You useless piece of crap, this is why nobody gave a shit about you back then."

"No, wait…PLEASE!" Falcon screamed before Mario gave one last vicious slam, crushing his skull like a soda can. Mario took a pair of golden sun glasses from Falcon's chest pocket and put them on. He looked down the hallway to make sure nobody was around. He searched Falcons' s body finding car keys. One of the key chains read, "Team Jacob" Mario looked at the crushed face of Falcon with disgust. "Fucker." Mario slammed the door on Falcon's head again, this time closing the door completely. A pool of blood formed.

Mario began taking off Falcon's scrubs and got on a wheelchair that was in the room. He rolled down the hall and made his way to the hospital's parking garage. He searched every level looking for a vehicle that would match Falcon's keys. Then he found it, a blue hover ship with a giant window sticker that said, "Team Jacob."

Mario opened the back door of the car and tried to pull himself inside. Mario was a bit on the husky side, so it was a challenge getting his entire body in the car without the use of his legs. After a struggle he got in and closed the door. He laid his body along the back seat, sitting up with his back against the door. He looked at his bare feet.

"Wiggle your fucking toe." He said to his foot. "I can't go anywhere until we start small, and that's by wiggling my fucking toe."

Mario begins to speak in his mind again. "I can see the fuckers in my mind. The fuckers that did this to me. All members, of the Super Smash Brothers." A image of the four who assaulted Mario on his wedding day appeared. The four stood beside each other; Link, Kirby, Pikachu, and Bowser. "At a time when I knew very little about these ass holes, Bowser was the easiest to find. But when somebody is the king of the evil side of the Mushroom Kingdom, it isn't much of a secret isn't it?"


End file.
